Sunday, December 16, 2007

The war on Christmas

There won't be a Christmas this year
by Originalsinner

[Reposted with permission of the author]

It's true, I have found numerous reasons that Christmas will likely not occur this year.

* Santa likes to vacation in the Bahamas (or is it Hawaii?) during the off season. This year in his absence, the elves out-sourced toy production to Wal-Mart, which in turn relied upon China to do the elves work. The Chinese put lead and date rape drugs in the toys in an effort to discredit Santa, forcing a massive recall.

* The elves, stuck with substandard toys, dumped the toys on the American public toy store companies, which are now taking a severe ass-beating for selling these toys. China blames WalMart's mercenary policy of paying the lowest possible price on the inclusion of lead and date-rape drugs in toy production.

* Thanks to restrictive new Bush Administration policies on immigration, Santa now has to stop at border crossings and present ID and a work permit before he is allowed into the country.

* Because of anti-terrorism concerns, Santa also now has to worry about being intercepted mid-flight by F-16 fighter jets with orders to shoot him down.

* In a little-reported news article quickly hushed up by the main stream media, Santa had let the reindeer graze at a stop in Wisconsin last year. Donner and Blitzen, along with a dozen cows, were quickly gunned down by local deer hunters. In turn, the deer hunters were quickly gunned down by a Laotian hunter.

* Rudolph has been named in the Mitchell report as being suspected of using steroids. Rudolph quickly issued a denial, claiming that his nose was a natural growth anomaly, despite the other reindeer's complete inability to duplicate Rudolph's record of guiding a sleigh on foggy nights. No other reindeer have been implicated by the Mitchell Report, bringing a further cloud of suspicion on Rudolph.

* Global warming has caused massive flooding in the normally frozen North Pole headquarters of Santa, Inc.

* Santa has been denied permission to fly by the Transportation Safety Administration, based upon his past history of flying around the world delivering toys to all the children of the world. Bush spokeswoman Ima Lier has linked Santa to the children of Islamofascists,calling Santa a "threat to freedom and democracy around the world".

* Santa now finds the cost of grain to feed his reindeer prohibitively high, as the much needed grain is now being diverted to ethanol production.

* Southern Baptists have called Santa a threat to Christianity because he brings toys to the children of homosexual parents, and are boycotting Santa in an effort to restore "the reason for the season".

* The Postal Service is currently investigating a Postal Carrier who was found to have "years and years " worth of undelivered letters from children to Santa stashed in his home.

* Santa's sleigh will not be allowed into California this year because he has not had it properly smogged for greenhouse gas emissions, as is required by state law. Santa claims that his sleigh is grandfathered into exclusion from the new laws, claiming that retrofitting his reindeer to prevent methane gas emission would be far too costly, and force him out of business. Santa's lawyer is also attempting to persuade a state judge to exempt Santa as a non-profit corporation.

* PETA is planning to prevent Santa from flying this year, claiming harnessing flying reindeer is cruel and inhumane.

* Due to the collapse of the sub-prime mortgage industry and the resulting foreclosures, Santa's list of addresses of children is hopelessly outdated. Furthermore, state laws nationwide prevent him from landing and stopping on freeway overpasses, which are now the roof of many of these children's new "homes". Santa further cites his inability to tell one refri(d)gerator box from another, resulting in regrettable mistakes when he delivers presents to the homeless.

* In more positive news, however, the Bush-apppointed head of the Environmental Protection Agency is applauding Santa's use of coal in his gift giving, calling it a "patriotic response to foreign dependence on imported oil".

Yes, it's going to be a bleak Christmas this year.

1 comment:

Mark said...

A sharp wit, as usual and as expected!